December 09, 2006

Scrooge It!

We’re been merry, we’ve been nice—but who are we fooling? It’s time to consult our inner Scrooge and post some Christmas songs that just… well, suck. Sure, some might like them and could probably make a good case why they should be on holiday playlists. But these are some songs that 77 Santas just absolutely hates. Somebody posted today that they hated “Dominic the Christmas Donkey.” I won’t argue—I enjoy it but can certainly understand how someone would just hate it. So we had an idea—what are those songs that drain joy right out of Christmas?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – John Mellencamp

Oh, how I loathe this version. I don’t think my hatred has ever been as intense as it is this year because that wretched, faux-patriotic “This Is My Country” commercial that has aired repeatedly since The World Series—that song is so terrible, I’d rather punch myself in the jingle bells than have to endure it ever again. For Christmas, the Coug went to his closet of phony Americana sound and pulled out his accordion just to give this the feel of a real mid-Western hoe-down. But first, we have to listen to his snide guitar intro—I can hear him now: “Let’s creep into this thing and then give em a wallop!” But the worst—the children at the end. Did these kids drink too much Nyquil? Or come from some kind of group home for tone-deaf children? I’d take those smug, precocious tots from the Welch’s Grape Juice commercials any day over this sappy, unbearable chorus of kids.

Redneck 12 Days of Christmas – Jeff Foxworthy

You know, a few years ago it seemed that Jeff Foxworthy had all but fallen off the face of this Earth—and believe me, the Earth was a much better place during that time. But then he resurrected his same old tired “look at how stupid rednecks are” crap. It’s bad enough that modern country radio is plagued by the “redneck chic” movement. I saw a video of a song called "Hicktown" this year on CMT. It's about a redneck town that had dozens of beautiful women wearing tight jeans and halter tops. I grew up in what you could call a redneck town—we didn’t have women that looked like that—trust me. Yet these country artists portray the country life as wild and wacky—“Look at me, I’m a homophobic, racist, Bush-loving, Skoal-chewing, truck-driving guy. Ain’t it funny?” No, it’s not. Comedy Central, why must you constantly air the Blue Collar Comedy Tour at least one weekend a month? I don’t get it? Hell, put that ego-loving Dane Cook on—I hate him as well. “Look, I’m yelling! It must be funny! And I can reference things from the late 80s! Laugh and make me rich!” I’m sorry—mainstream standup comedy is just horrible. Bring me a Mitch Hedberg special, a Gaffigan special, or Steven Wright. Jeff Foxworthy? I’d like to rip this man’s mustache off his face. His “Redneck” days of Christmas feature flannel shirts, guns, huntun’ dogs, Spam, and some other crap I could care less about. And listen to how he does the conversation between himself and a more civilized character back and forth. And how he just can’t resist his old “you might a redneck if…” routine in the middle. I’ve laughed harder at terminal diseases than I have Jeff Foxworthy. His voice is like daggers to my ears and soul.

Christmas Shoes – Alabama

PC already posted a version of this song. Let me say it right now—I enjoy Alabama. They have some great country songs from the 80s. I can still sing many of them by heart. But this was the first version that I had heard of this awful song. First off, the narrator simply sits back and watches as this little boy spills his sob story about his mother. It’s so contrived—maple trees don’t produce sap this strong. And the narrator, that self-congratulatory blackheart, buys the shoes and then delivers his message of what Christmas is all about. It’s like giving to charity—if you do it, that’s great but don’t advertise your good will so people will like you more. Meanwhile the little boy goes home and waits for his mother to “meet Jesus.” Apparently she must not have heard this song or else she would have just offed herself. But wait—it ain’t over yet! Another children’s choir. Surely allowing children to sing this song qualifies as some kind of abuse. I mean, if kids can’t do drugs, why can they sing or listen to such sentimental, hokey trite.

And, as a bonus, here’s A Soldier’s Silent Night. You know, I feel a little guilty making fun of this song, but then I realized that I was victim to the manipulation. I think that I strained my eyes while rolling them.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Cher and Rosie

Speaking of terminal diseases, I think that I may have contracted one after listening to this version of my beloved Christmas favorite. Where do I even start? Imagine two incredibly annoying celebrities collaborating—that alone would be awful. But it’s not bad enough for this song—add in some techno and Cher’s voice. You know, there are some Cher songs that I love. What happened to that Cher? This is wretched, melodramatic drivel with all the subtlety of a chainsaw. And the fact that this is my favorite Christmas song? God. I hope the proceeds from this song went to helping sick children or feeding starving people—please, Lord, let there have been some good that came from this.

Wonderful Christmas Time – Paul McCartney

This is the unequivocal worst Christmas song that receives airplay. Sure, I bet you could play something even worse for me. But nothing makes me cringe and grit my teeth like this. It’s too bad—I really like some of McCartney’s solo work. I don’t even know what kind of instrument creates that god-awful noise. I’ve heard cries from dying animals that I enjoy more than this electronic sound. And it goes on throughout this annoying, repetitive piece of trash. . That chorus—it doesn’t end. Just over and over again—“Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.” I get it! Shut up! Go fight your wife in court or something. Just please stop telling me how wonderful Christmas time is!

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